…and we’re back?

MQB is back by popular demand from reader Steve H. There’s been a couple of reasons for the lack of posts, one more reasonable than the other. First, our landlord has been doing major renovations to the building our office is located in, so we’ve had to take up residence in a very rudimentary part of the building and arrange our desks and office equipment wherever we can find a space. The good news is I have a very private space to myself. The bad news is I’m on my 3rd dust mask. Since I’m more separated from Boss than before (lucky for me, but not for this blog), I haven’t had much material to post. Second, although all the stories on this blog are very much real, I do have to have a decent level of creative exertion in order to set up the stories and “Bossisms.” That requires energy that sometimes just isn’t there for me. I’m going to try to do better in the future.

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This marks week 7 (or so) of Boss’s attempt to repair one of the company vehicles that is broken down. He wants to save money by doing it himself, and I think he enjoys being unavailable to do his more Bossly duties. Most of those aren’t as fun as working on cars (in his mind, at least).

I can’t complain about his absence too much. The reprieve from his long stories and his usually unsuccessful attempts at acting as if he knows what’s really going on with our business is certainly appreciated. Since our working conditions have changed, Boss has been more isolated and he doesn’t handle the isolation well. He is fine with working alone when he’s repairing something, but he can’t sit at a desk for long periods of time without someone to talk to or else he gets bored. Now he makes frequent visits to my office to chat about whatever is on his mind. That ‘whatever’ is most often complaining about the various employees in the office. I’ve shared a story or two about this sort of thing on MQB before, but I simply cannot give you an adequate picture of just how often this occurs. Boss visits my office space and begins with a loud, dramatic sigh. Then he’ll say, “I just don’t know what I’m going to do about _______[employee A, B, or C].” He’ll then begin to give a list of their offenses, some of which are genuine issues that need to be addressed and are quite detrimental to the company. Other “offenses” are simply the fact that employee B is naturally lacking the strong points Boss wishes they had. These strong points could be developed in these employees if Boss would take the time to train them. Of course, that does not happen. It’s easier to complain than to train. Regardless of the type of offense, the fact remains that Boss never, ever goes to the employee with his complaint. It is almost as if Boss thinks a clan of little office elves will emerge from hiding and solve the problem if only he complains enough.

Now, I’ve urged Boss multiple times to schedule a meeting with the Offender so he can express his concerns. His response? “But they always get so defensive!” Yep. Apparently they all get so defensive. He’s been talking about the same people with the same problems for so long, he’s probably invented memories of having confronted them.

I believe one of the contributing factors to Boss’s inability to heed advice involves one of his Boss Tendencies. Boss has a habit of walking around the office cleaning out his ears with his car keys. I don’t know if he realizes that he’s doing this in front of people. It honestly seems like such a second nature act that he forgets people are watching. When he does this I try to look away, but I usually catch him in my peripheral doing this gross act. He usually “cleans” his keys off on his pants once he’s completed his goal. Once, I managed to look directly at him after he had just removed a key from his ear. After seeing the nastiness that was on his key, I began to understand that my advice doesn’t go in one ear and out the other, it never gets in his ear at all. Not literally of course, but I’m sure there’s a very applicable metaphor in that story somewhere. Feel free to dig it out.

Back later this week with some fresh Bossisms!

Pass the blame, please.

Boss doesn’t carry a briefcase. Well, he used to carry a leather bag, but now he carries so much stuff back and forth from his house to the office that he has to have a cardboard box. I’m not sure what all is in this box and I don’t think he does either. I do know that he carries his toothbrush with him in this box. This in itself is not very unusual–many people carry a toothbrush with them to work so they can brush after lunch. Most people, however, carry the toothbrush in a case or with a cover. Not Boss! He throws it in the box with all the papers, files, overdue tax forms, dust, dirt, and disease. It’s filthy. It looks like he’s scrubbed tires with it. Maybe not car tires, but at least bike tires or rollerskate wheels. The bristles point in a hundred different directions, all mashed into place from usage of who knows how many months (years?), and I’m sure having files thrown on top of it doesn’t help. The one positive thing about this is that the toothbrush is one of the electric ones with the small, round head, so there’s less surface area to be contaminated. I asked him last week why he doesn’t change the brush part and he said, “Yeah, I should. I can’t find any of those things. Where do they sell them? Grocery stores?”

Once again: “months (years?).”

Boss’s loves to entertain himself throughout the day by playing the blame game. I assume he’s entertaining himself, because I truly cannot imagine how someone could consistently blame others for things that go wrong and expect people to take them seriously. Who am I kidding? I don’t think he’s trying to entertain himself at all.

Yesterday one of our employee’s cars broke down, and he called for someone from the office to come pick him up. Boss immediately said, “[Employee] is so hard on his vehicles. He slams them into gear and accelerates too quickly.” Now, I cannot remember the last time Boss has ridden in a car with this employee, so I do not know what he is basing this claim on. A one time experience perhaps? Not even to mention that Boss’s company cars are very much decrepit and that he is always complaining about how his wife is nagging him to repair their own vehicles.

So I asked him, “So [employee's] car breaks down, and the first thing you do is blame him for it? Why do you always blame other people for everything that goes wrong?”

His response?

“Because I like to.”

If by any chance he ever discovers this blog and ever questions me about why I am doing this, I can say right now that he has provided me with the best possible response. I do it because I like to.

“How Deep is Your Inbox?”

Boss is listening to the BeeGee’s on his computer.  Could certainly be worse.

I have unfortunately not been able to blog much lately because Boss has been nearly everpresent.  We work in a small office that Boss calls “the fishbowl,” which is an apt description since we do not have any walls, partitions, or dividers between the offices.  Anybody’s business is everybody’s business.  So although we should (in theory) by able to communicate with each other perfectly fine while seated at our respective desks, Boss seems unwilling to entertain this concept.  Anytime I ask him a question, he feels it necessary to get up from his chair and walk over to my desk in order to answer my question or respond to my comment.  Once he responds, he normally pauses for a few seconds, remains in place, and then returns to his desk.  At least he’s getting exercise.

Boss complains if people take too many breaks or take long lunches.  He almost always brings his (often smelly) food into the office to eat it while he’s working, and apparently thinks other should do the same.  I don’t mind eating at my desk as long as Boss leaves me alone while I’m eating, which doesn’t always happen.  He must have a radar that alerts him whenever I break out my food, because he seems to seize that moment to come peer over me in order to explain the next “project” or “task” that he has for me.  There’s nothing more delightful in this world than having Boss lean over me while I eat lunch.  Anyway, back to breaks.  Since I am sure he’s complaining about me anytime I leave the office for a break, I try to seize brief moments of down time whenever possible.  Some of the best times for this are when Boss approaches my desk to talk to me.  The reason for this is that Boss thinks I am only listening if I am giving him my undivided attention.  Multi-tasking is certainly a plus, but never when he is talking.  I have come to learn that he would rather I stop all work completely and sit listening to him, than listen and work in order to be more productive.  That’s fine.  It’s a nice way not to  do any work.

Now, about “projects” and “tasks.”  Those are Bossian for “stuff to do.”  I haven’t yet been able to tell what, if any, difference there is between his use of the words “project” and “task.” It seems all the same to me, and probably is to him as well.  He does tend to use the words in different sorts of sentences, however.  Usually it is, “I have a project for you! Ok?” and “Would you like a task to do?”  My mental reply is, “Well, that depends.  Is this something that you as the Boss should be doing but have put off for 2+ years because you hate doing it, or is this something that is actually within my job description that makes a genuine contribution to the day-to-day functions of the company?”  My verbal reply is, “Sure.”  Projects and tasks can be anything as simple as typing a letter (is that really worthy of being deemed a “project”??), to sorting through dust-covered files of now-irrelevant invoices from the mid to late 90’s, to working up overdue federal paperwork that no one except those with extremely thorough knowledge of the workings of our industry should even be attempting.  I usually turn down the latter assignments, err…tasks, but I understand why he balks at completing those.  What really gets me is the rhetorical nature of his questions, or at least how they should be rhetorical.  “Would you like a task?”  You’re paying me to do stuff for you, how optional is it, really?  I’m lucky if I’m able to convince him that he’s seriously the only person who can/should be doing this “task.”

That’s all for today.  Next entry I’ll tell you about Boss’s toothbrush.

TGIF!

Boss was out of the office a lot this week, so he didn’t give me any funny material beyond just his usual frustrating tendency to blame all problems and complications on whomever is not in the office at the time of his rant.  Evidence is not needed–mere speculation is enough to brand someone the guilty party.  I can’t imagine what he says about me when I’m gone to lunch.

Although I don’t have stories today, I do have three “Bossisms” that I heard him say this week. Enjoy!

Bossism #1: “How does that saying go? The wine glass is either half full or half empty?”

Bossism #2: “You can tell he’s not prepared.  He’s just ad living.”

Bossism #3: “Well it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the money.”

That last one is so far from accurate that I have no idea what he even meant.

A great weekend to all who are reading!

Just throw those anywhere

I file the company’s check stubs in numerical order.  It makes sense to do that.  Perfect sense, in fact.  I also file them vertically, but that’s just preference.  Today while filing a stack of stubs, I noticed a group in the very back filed horizontally.  After glancing through them, I realized Boss had filed them although I’m not sure it can be considered filing.  There was no order to them whatsoever. He must have been keeping the stubs near his desk and just threw them into the folder.  Numerical ordering is hard!  It requires extra time and effort.  Seriously, one of the checks was about 100 places out of order.  If he were a regular employee, he’d have been fired by now.

Not all the things Boss does are completely dumb.  He’s pretty suave over the phone, mostly because he’s very laidback, completely honest, and heck, who can resist hearing intimate details of his son and daughter’s personal lives!  I’m sure his son would be thrilled to know that, thanks to his dad, Shaniqua with MasterCard collections in Des Moines has heard about his problems with calculus and that he broke up with Michelle last week and is taking it really rough.  But on to my story. Our General Manager makes an appearance in this one. Boss received a call from the credit card company about late payments.  After some time on the phone, he hangs up and walks proudly over to my desk:

Boss: I’ve got a new system!

Me: Oh yeah?  What’s that?

Boss: I wait until the credit card companies call me wanting money and then I ask them how much money they’ll give me to pay them!

Me: So how does that work?

Boss:  Well, I just ask them to take off a late fee and I’ll make a payment!  She asked why I hadn’t paid and I told her I’d been busy! *Laughs* I’m just being honest!

GM: How many late fees did they take off?

Boss: One

GM: How many late fees do you have?

Boss:  Three! *Laughing* Now THAT is cash flow management!

I think lucky mismanagement is more the case.

rec-on-cile, verb

Boss is walking around the office talking, I suppose, to me, although I think he’s only trying to work out problems verbally.  He seems unconcerned that I usually do not pay much attention.  After 3 years, I’ve learned when to tune in and when I can tune out. Today he is talking about a company he feels will probably accuse us of not keeping good inventory of their goods.  After about 4 minutes of talking, he says:
Boss: I can just hear it coming, they’ll say we’re short 100, 50, whatever units.  It’s going to take forever to reconcile the account.  Do you know what ‘reconcile’ means?

Me: *Nods*

Boss:  Ok ok!  Geez. You know what it means, I get it.

Wow. I can’t imagine what his reaction would have been had I actually said something.  I’m not sure what was more surprising, that he thought I didn’t know what it means or that he used the word correctly.

Quittin’ Time

Our friendly neighborhood IRS office has been giving Boss some “assistance” in past tax issues. Two weeks ago, I transferred a call to my boss from the agent assigned to him. He spoke with him for some time before the call ended. When Boss got off the phone, he begins relaying some of the details of the call, as well as this valuable FYI:

Boss: He was a nice guy. Black guy. You know most of the people who work for the IRS are black?

Me: I’d like to see some statistics that show that.

Boss: It’s true! Most of the people I’ve spoken with from the IRS are black.

Me: That’s not the same as most of the IRS employees nationwide being black.

Boss: They close early too. Last time I went to their office, I got there at 4:30 and they closed the door in my face.

Me: What time are they supposed to close?

Boss: 4:30, but I couldn’t believe how eager IRS employees were to go home!

He then took that opportunity to tell me another story from yesteryear about how he would always come in to work early and leave work late, and was lauded and admired by his former employers. It was almost enough motivation for me to work past my own 4:30 closing time that day. Almost.

Have a smoke and call me in the morning.

Boss was giving me a glimpse of his yesteryears as a manager at some sort of corporation. He apparently had an employee who took 3-4 sick days each month, and it began to bother him. We somehow got onto the subject of mononucleosis, which he stated that people “don’t really get anymore.” I informed him that mono was not as uncommon as he might think. He then took back his statement and said it tended to be more common among college students:

Boss: College students are more likely to get mono because they don’t get a lot of sleep, they’re studying hard, and they tend to stay up late because they usually have finals. Thanks to modern medicine, we don’t have to be sick for long periods of time anymore. If someone gets mono, they can rest, get some nicotine, and they’ll be better soon.

Me: Nicotine?

Boss: ….*scratches head* (literally)…

Me: You mean Nyquil?

Boss: Yeah, that’s probably it.

A what kind of world?

This blog should have began three years ago when I first began working at my place of employment. I regret not recording the many, many ‘isms’ of my employer, but I might as well start now. If I can find out how to contact the writers for “The Office” I have several quotes that could easily come from the mouth of Michael Scott. However, they came from my real live boss. I hesitate to describe him physically or even give an age range, lest I somehow be found out. There’s a darn good chance that my boss thinks a blog is a swampy piece of land, so I doubt he’ll ever run across this page. Still, I’ll take few chances.

Beginning today, I will be recording his bossisms as they are spoken. Since he also likes to repair all our office equipment himself, I’ll be sure to give an account of what he’s repairing, how many hours days it takes, and what unconventional methods he is choosing to repair them.

Bossism #1

We’re running low on our stock of certain items, and my boss believes our customers are hoarding them out of fear that we’ll run out completely. He begins to discuss how threats of winter storms and hurricanes drive people to supermarkets to stock up on supplies:

Boss: They run to the store to get milk and bread and other groceries. These people become aggressive! It’s like a doggy dog world out there!

Me: A what kind of world?

Boss: A doggy dog world!

Me: It’s dog eat dog

Boss: Really? Dog eat dog? I never knew that!

He said it so fast at first, I thought I may have misheard, but when I asked him to repeat it, I was crossing my fingers that’d I heard right. “Doggy dog.” What a gem!